Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Freedom to Have a Bad Day

Some days the bear eats you.

Some WEEKS the bear eats you.

And while he's digesting you slowly and stripping the flesh from your bones with thick incisors you can't say much about it. Your body sinks into place like a well-fitted screw and you just get screwed. Am I mixing metaphors?

This particular bear wields a cordless Makita in one hand and a pen in the other. He's actually taking notes as he fills your brain with holes. 
"Subject appropriately terrified. Showing signs of 'throwing in the towel.' Note to self: wear gloves next time."
Some days the bear just spits in your face. As it dries in crusty clumps on your eyelids you wonder if it's bad enough to succumb or if it's just the proper amount of spittle for motivation. Most of the time you give in, because it's easier. Inspiration doesn't come around often, but it's not always welcome when it does.

It's not as if I have any suggestions. The bear is going to eat you whether you like it or not. And the days that you eat the bear are pretty damn infrequent. And he's mighty indigestible anyway. But when you get the chance you take it because fresh bear meat is rare. hahahahahahahahaha.


Did I just coin that? Google says yes. And I'm a fucking vegetarian.

Somehow all of these half-assed metaphors are making me feel a tad better about the week.


  1. The bear ate me this week, and to that I say, "Fuck you Bear, you half assed salmon eating lazy omnivore. Pick a side you equivocator." Because I love bear-baiting.

  2. Damn straight. You tell that bear where to shove it. Just make sure you have your shotgun ready and a fresh pair of pants.

  3. I love the descriptive nature of this post. It is almost as if it is one of those Edward Gorey cautionary tales for children. Which. I. Love.
    Nice job, Robby, and as a carnivore I have actually eaten bear meat before. And all I can say is its no bacon - its not even turkey bacon.

  4. Ha! That is awesome. I grew up on Gorey - likely the source of many a nightmare, but well worth the cost...


  6. Aw, it was (apparently) a bad week for many..