Thursday, June 2, 2011

Last Will and Testament, Verbatim, I Shit You Not.

If you have any further instructions regarding your final resting place, or how your funeral is to be conducted, please list them in the space below. 

If science has advanced to the degree that my body can be cryogenically frozen, please resist the urge.

Preferably spread my ashes (as soon as possible) somewhere nice. By a tree, perhaps. Under no circumstances should my ashes be turned into an ornament of any kind. Please do not hold my ashes for a prolonged period of time in anything pear-shaped, or resembling a lamp. At my memorial service, if at all possible, interject humor and as many uncomfortable silences as time will allow. I seriously hope no one talks about god during the service. If anyone would like to say a few words, please feel free.

By the way, I would like the memorial service to be outdoors if weather permits, and not at any religious institution.

Please do not fire any guns into the air.

Weeping is permitted, dare I say, encouraged.


  1. Whoa! You totally skipped over the music you want played during the photo montage part. There's always a photo montage part.

  2. Shit. I had hoped that by NOT including it I meant under no circumstances should that happen. Shit, shit shit shit

  3. Okay, you really put that in the WILL? Well, can I save a few ashes to put in a hollow bead? I could store it next to your baby tooth and the mold of your upper teeth?

  4. No. No, you cannot.
    That is THE reason I put in "vessel" clause. You can, however, write a note about how cool I was and put it in a hollow bead. Will that suffice?

  5. I'm having trouble figuring out how I will weep and interject humor...AND refrain from shooting my gun in the air.

  6. You'll just have to try, Brian. Also, borrowing someone else's gun for a funeral is pretty tacky.